It’s 2:30am….  

I am sitting here alone and just thinking about what is happening. I am beginning to think that by talking, I only make matters worse, and that it is easier just to keep in what I have to say. Sometimes it is like we are looking for a fight, picking and pushing looking for something to complicate things. The hardest part is most of the time I do not even know what started it, or in the end what we are fighting about.  

Every now and then I just wish she would come to me, hold out her hand and let me know that it is ok, and that we are here for each other. It is hard sometimes, living together and raising a son. It is hard when things do not go the way you want them to, and you constantly blame yourself for it.  

There are days I just want to wake up and go out and do something, show her something new, create another unforgettable memory… and then it seems like one little crack in that road, and the whole world comes tumbling down.  

I wanted to do that today, just take her away from this house and go out and be together, but despite my surprise assumptions made that impossible and by the time the dust had cleared the moment was ruined and I was not able to do that… maybe another day I suppose, who knows there is always next weekend.  

With my new schedule it is going to be hard, and in the end, I will ask myself if it is worth it. I hope and I pray that we are strong enough to make it through this, and that she will still love me although I am going to be gone more. I do not want to leave, but we must survive and to do so involves sacrifices and responsibility.  

We get over one hurdle and run head on into another one though… we have these phases, where we can go perfectly for a week and sometimes longer. It is as if a fairy tale lifestyle really does exist… and then we have our downtime, like now… where we fight and bicker about everything, it is these down-times that are wearing us both thin.  

At times Lori wants to leave, go back to Florida and forget it ever happened, because to her that is what she knows and when she is lost and confused rather than waiting things out it is easier to run. I always tell her that it will be okay and that it will always pass, and so far, it always has.  

We have been able to make it through this far and I cannot see a reason that we cannot keep going. There are two vastly different and truly diverse sides to every person… I love all of her, and I do not want to push her away. The diversity of those two sides is complicating this relationship because it often does not allow us air to breathe, in the end only suffocating us both and scaring us both away.  

Once again, it is 2:30am and I am alone, she sleeps alone in the bed on the other side of this wall… and I am left to ask myself… does she want me with her or do I sit here alone. I close my eyes, it all comes back to me now… and although it does not always make sense, the answer is clear. love. 

Mood: Sad
Music: Lifehouse – Everything