So… It’s 8am right now… everyone is passed out, bodies scattered around like a war hit. A heavy mixture of alcohol and marijuana, a night to be remembered on such a large scale in such a small world.  

So, it was hard for me Lori, to sit down and talk to you again after how badly I was hurt. I sat there and used everything I had left in me, to believe your words, and remember the good. Trying to tell myself that what happened with mike wasn’t so bad, and that I blew it way out of proportion. Staring blankly at a letter you wrote to me that I never received, and wondering what I had done.  

I am sorry Lori, I did mistreat you and place you in a position in this life where you felt inferior or even less than me. We were together a long time eh? A year and a half of my life I gave to you. I broke myself and pieced myself together time and time again, only to eventually run out of the glue that I was using to piece back the hundreds of fragments of my heart and soul.  

I tried all that I could to be what you wanted, to give you a better life. I buried myself in the store trying to be the person you needed me to be, trying to grow up and be a man. I am emotional, and I’m very fragile. I was broken by love in the past, and reluctant to open up to anyone else. You allowed me to be me, and you loved me for me. You were my everything.  

Sometimes the ones we need the most we push the farthest away, taking our chances and testing the strength of the line that holds the two of us together. I don’t really know how to feel anymore, feelings and emotions shift so quickly, it scares the hell out of me. I try to explain to those close to me, who I am and why I do the things I do… no one really understands.  

I am weak for allowing myself to be haunted by my past, this is something I have done my entire life, I have known nothing but. I guess in my heart I feel that is what brings me back to here, this place… this lonely place feeling like shit and blaming myself for everyone’s problems. Searching for answers to questions I knew I shouldn’t have asked and finding the answers I never wanted to hear. It was that one question that was burning me away, the mystery that I just had to know.  

What really happened on Sunday, the 20th when the door suddenly started buzzing at 11:39pm, and you hesitated and went downstairs to answer the door instead of asking who it was thru the intercom in the apartment… That night, you weren’t the same Lori, you weren’t yourself. As that burned me away, I couldn’t help but allow my mind to wander and come to conclusions that I knew had to be crazy. Every time I came to a conclusion, I was left asking myself, would she really do that? and if so why?  

Now…. Close to a month from that day, I found the answer to the question that was tearing me apart. Apparently using Trillian you enabled logging, and the logs from your entire convo’s online with anyone using a messenger were dumped to the C: drive… It was these logs, that liberated me and set me free. They cut me deeper than any knife and hurt me more than any words. A year and half, not too bad for a fairy tale start, and a Hollywood finish. 

The question I have for you Lori, is what would you have done if I was an hour later getting home that night, and you and Peter were in this house and doing what you had planned? Who would have been responsible for those actions? My actions and yours? Does a convicted felon like Peter really say what you need to hear in order to make you feel wanted? feel loved? 

Every word, every single word of a log file that’s total size was larger than the log-file between me and you combined, quite an accomplishment for someone who met this guy on the 18th and compiled the largest log out of all your friends that you talked to the course of June. 

I thought you were better than that Lori, I had hoped that it would take more than a pile of lies and bullshit from someone in a yahoo chatroom to tear you away, and make you hate me as much as you do. I’m always the bad guy, 200 logs and not one good thing to say about me, not one real I love you or one truthful word.  

Does it surprise me that the next day you started an argument, that won you an all-expense paid trip back to FL, were you afraid Lori? of me? or that your conscience would tear away at you, the talks with Peter ended very abruptly, with him being less than a block away where you two would meet for your secret rendezvous.  

When I came home that night Lori, what did you feel, what went thru your head. Knowing that any minute your lover would be at the door expecting your smile behind the other door? You didn’t talk to him again after that moment, where he was ignored 4 times in a row in order to ensure his silence… 

Is he the new friend you have in FL, the 27 Year old you meet for ice cream? was this guy that desperate? the same guy carrying two felonies for endangering lives by use of force, concealing a weapon, and carrying a firearm at school? There are a ton of questions, maybe you can call this closure, or maybe it’s just what I need to finally be done with us, to finally move on.  

Am I happy now? Happiness is an emotion that I’m faced with daily, I am told by society to be happy, and to conform by the rules of conduct. I read what you wrote Lori, every word of it. Time and time again we fought, and said things we may or may not have meant, crossing undrawn lines every chance we could get.  

Am I hurt right now? Honestly I don’t know. You were different Lori, you were someone that loved me for me, the good with the bad. If even you could stray on me, and be one of those people who tears lives apart, then what does that say for the rest of the world. Someone’s heart can only be so beautiful, so bold. Taking that beauty from that person, leaves them with a hollow shell once breathing life into that person.  

Am I alone? I am surrounded by friends, family, and hopefuls all trying to gain a place in my life. But every girl I meet, you’re always on the tip of my tongue, the good, the bad, the real. Most stick around to hear me out, some wander off to the closest person they can find with a pretty face and formed body. All I am is who you allowed me to be, and who I am now is what I’m looking for.  

Am I mad? I don’t even know, I guess all I really want are the answers to these questions, maybe allowing me to finally close the book to us Lori, and allow me to move on.  

Did I love you? If I didn’t love you Lori, it wouldn’t hurt so much, I wouldn’t get scared when I actually do find someone, who is willing to take a chance on me.  

There were so many secrets, you kept a whole other life from me. How can you sleep at night knowing that? The rumors about Melissa’s Boyfriend I find now were true, I guess I should have taken the time to look further into it before rather than trust you over a crazy ranting bitch coming to my store with a pile of what I took as lies and I now learn were really the truth.  

So many guys Lori, how could you even want to be with me, knowing that inside of you was someone so cold that my end meant nothing to you…. this is life I guess, this is why people cheat. They get their heart broken and can never love again. I’m still that person who saved you once, when will someone come and save me?  

It’s almost 9am now, it’s getting harder to type, harder to control my heart, to not get angry, to not get even, to just let it go, to move on. to walk away. Sometimes Lori, you just have to walk away.

Mood: Numb