Throughout my life I have seen a lot, been a lot of places and met a lot of people. Over the years I have been invented, reinvented, and turned inside out by the choices I’ve made throughout this careless life of mine that so many others live vicariously through. If you’re someone I hold a special place for in my heart it likely means that at some point in my life you and I have sat down and we exchanged stories. It was likely late at night when no one was there and while my guard was down. For maybe a moment you saw a side of me that most never see, and in that instance the potential for lifelong friendship was born.

I live my life like a vagabond, a wanderer of sorts… despite where I live or the people I meet I’ve somehow managed to lay claim to a special place in a lot of your hearts, or at least you’ve got a special place in mine. Like scenes from a movie or chapters in a book I have lived my life through others. I try never to be selfish but have learned to adapt because quite honestly, this place is not ready for me just yet. I have loved and lost, succeeded and failed… I have dreamed more than any one fish should ever dream alone, and changed as many lives as I could hopefully for the better.

I live each day like it were my last, afraid to fall in love in fear of being hurt, or worst hurting someone else. On the surface I appear strong, an anchor of sorts. So many people depend on me and they don’t even know it, some don’t even care. For years I have always put myself last, standing in line to take care of someone, somewhere, to save the day and be the hero. That’s the part I play best, some knight in shining armor swooping in to save the day, but who’s going to be able save me? Now before you look at this as some sort of suicide note or alert the authorities please understand the following….

I am only human, I am not immortal or connected to someone else’s god. I am just like you, and you are just like me. We all get sad, we all feel alone, and we all have acted out at some point in our lives like scared kids just crying for attention, for someone to take the time and see that “hey, maybe I’m not okay”, “maybe I need some help”, “maybe I’m just afraid” or just maybe, all of the above. The bottom line is I could never kill myself, too many people need me and I care too much about too many of them to ever put that kind of guilt on them.

When it comes to me and you, how we met or why we are here doesn’t really matter. While most say that everything happens for a reason, I have seen plenty of unexplained things in my life to disprove that theory. Everything doesn’t always happen for a reason, sometimes things just get fucked up. Bad things happen to good people and life is anything but fair.

For most of my life I have been the safe keeper of countless secrets, my overwhelming empathy has sought out so many broken, so many scared, so many lost and so many lonely people. Nobody is perfect, it’s not always going to be okay and when the world becomes so futile, it is only a matter of time before our innocence is stripped away from us and reality sets in.

Are you awake? or are you dreaming? There comes a time where we start to question what is real and what is just a dream. Through media and music our minds are shaped and molded to believe and function a certain way. But not everyone can conform and for those of us who are higher functioning the world becomes a very sad place when you start to see just how disconnected we have all become. Rather than face to face or over the phone we text to mask our emotion, while we speed up our lives and shorten our sentences time begins moving more quickly.

Soon the days turn to night and there is never enough time in the day to do everything we need to. Even if we wake up and have no plans at all. We give away our hearts with no regard for the consequences, completely ignoring the signs and every flag to run in hopes that maybe, just maybe this time it works. It never works, happily ever after exists only in fairy tales because let’s face it, in the end no one lives forever and getting older fucking sucks.