So here I am sitting alone again, seems like forever since I saw a smile, only bits and pieces of forever seem to be wandering around this house.  

I’m closing my eyes and crossing my fingers hoping that this is not another one of those times that everything comes apart and we are left drowning in endless oceans of our own tears and self-regret.  

I feel trust issues are heightening, things are getting closer and closer to that point where I end up becoming that over protective and sometimes very much an asshole boyfriend. I give her everything I have left and all that I am but somehow it never seems to add up to nothing.  

So here I am, alone again just trying to piece together what went wrong, a million piece puzzle scattered over a lifetime of continents and searching. I want nothing more than for time to stand still for just a moment so I am able to stand still and just look around at everything and everyone around me. No matter which direction I seem to head down there is always a twelve foot wall in the way to stop me dead in my tracks for moving on.  

I miss her, she’s a heartbeat away and I miss her so much. As you can see, I’m quite torn in many directions about what I am supposed to do, and where I am to go. I realize I only take the time to write in here when things are hard because my mind is wandering, and my heart is bleeding. I’m tired, it’s hard to keep my eyes open and my fingers are more or less rambling in sync and doing the typing for me.  

So, the holidays are just around the corner, and I have no idea what we are doing. I would like to get a Christmas tree because I have never done that before and we actually have room for one.  

Yep I’m tired, I keep yawning, and its more or less slowing down this entry which from the looks of it will be ungodly long. so I will sum it up, I am alive and here right now, it’s been a long day and last night was a hard night, I have seen Lori for about 5 mins this whole day other than that she has been sleeping which makes me think that she is avoiding me and it makes me sad.  

I have one final question, what the fuck is happiness, can a person ever truly find it, or do they die searching? Every time I am happy things get fucked up and I’m left miserable again. Everyone around me is miserable too and no one is really happy just pretending to save face in public.  

Yawn… damn time to do something else, I’m going to go now, where I end up, I won’t know till I get there, this is me signing off.