More often than not my music of the moment is a direct reflection of my current state of mind. It is an extension of who I am, it is the words I wish I could speak when I am tongue tied and terrified of what I might say. Each song represents a moment in my life which I refuse to forget, for better or for worst. To anyone who really knows me than you already know all of the above, so it’s no surprise that so many of you are deeply saddened or even disturbed when I publicly release a song which portrays a perspective of anything other than what most would consider positive or forthcoming.
The truth is that each and every song I share with you is the inclusion into a moment into my life which may not make sense, but ultimately in the end will always make me stronger. Taking the time to listen to such songs is taking the time to sit down beside me, and listen to one of my stories. Some of these stories may make you laugh, some of them may make you cry, but in the end it is in those very moments where my guard may be down, my heart remains open and the beauty in me begins to reflect brightly regardless of shape and tone which at times includes those shades of gray that most rarely speak of.
My exact purpose in this place has yet to be defined, but the one thing I do know is that the number of people I have touched along the way as well as the number of lives I may have saved can be directly traced to the very same music I share with you all each and every day. The loudest screams tend to go unheard, but in my life I have been blessed with the gift, and sometimes a curse of an overwhelming empathy for those around me especially those in need or even worst in trouble. Regardless if you are a friend or foe, my ability to hear your cries for help has always been astounding.
It is that very same ability which tends to force me now to withdraw from your social gatherings or another night out at the bar and sometimes even a quiet night in with just a few friends in a familiar place that most consider safe. If I could wrap my arms around the world and give it a hug you know by now that I certainly would, but in the last couple years of my life pieces of me have been lost along the way and I spend each every day desperately searching for these missing pieces which once allowed me the chance to change the world, or at least a life.
It is in my music where I find peace while understanding the realization that I am not alone. It is the soundtrack of my life made up by a lifetime of memories which I will never let go. If I have ever given you a song than that song is yours, each and every time I hear that song I am reminded of you, like a bookmark in a book full of chapters full of pain it is in that moment despite my often stubborn or misunderstood disposition where only through music and those memories am I able to forget my troubles of today and smile back at those moments remembering where i was and most importantly, who I was with.
These days I rarely reach out to anyone, the number of people I call “friend” is far less today than ever before in my life and that’s not by choice, but by necessity. When you spend your life giving away your heart, telling all your secrets, and constantly standing still waiting for the world to stop running in place it becomes abundantly clear that maybe I don’t really belong here, I don’t quite fit in. Just because I don’t call or text, or see you out and about does not mean I do not care.
I welcome you all to break the mold and reach out from time to time, you might be surprised at just how far a simple “hello” or gentle “how are you?” will go with me. Keeping in mind that my unfortunate disposition tends to leave me feeling abandoned at times, for so long I gave everything away with so little in return that in order for me to acknowledge and accept so many of these “lost & forgotten” friendships is by witnessing some form of effort initiated by the other person, which completely contradicts my “no call, no text” policy which likely has left most of you feeling the very same abandonment that I fear each and every day.
With that being said, I am sorry to anyone whom I have abandoned or lost along the way. I may never be the man I once was but I will always be the best man I can be. In the meantime, we will always have our music and those memories which in an instant can take us back to the place we want to be, or wish we could revisit.